There’s only one conclusion: I must be defective. Is it too late to return me?

At least today was mostly productive. And I have a boatload of clothing to go to those who actually need it. What’s sad is that I got rid of a bunch of stuff I’d been saving forever… consolidated what was left, pitched what was usaveable… and I still have too much to hang in my closet. There’s still a lot of stuffing into drawers and piles on the floor. How can one girl wear so much clothing? I should feel guilty about buying so much, but I’m so addicted. I swore up and down when I was a teenager that I’d never be one of those girls, and yet here I am. It’s pathetic, really, especially given the fact that I’m required to wear a uniform for Walmart, so I never get to wear anything I really like, except during the school year.

I need a new job. Okay, need is harsh. Want. Very much so. I very much so want a new job. Walmart is changing and while it’s not the worst place to work, I’m just done with the place. Except I need to keep the job until I can find something else, which is tough since I’ve still got some school left.  So I’ve got at least six more months of Walmart. Yuck. I’m not even aiming high at this point, not even aiming for something less customer-centric.  I want a job that doesn’t kill my back and my knees. I’m thinking a nice, cushy bank teller job. Don’t work on holidays, never work nights. I’m thinking that’s my sort of job. It’s funny, actually, I was thinking how much I wanted a bank job, and then Brittany goes and gets one. I’m way le jealous. But happy for her, honestly. She’s such a sweet person.

Well, back to planning my trike trick-age.

The more time that passes, the more I hate growing up.

The room itself was eerily silent, still and quiet, as it had been sealed for centuries. I see dessicated carcasses scattered over the floor. Aunt June lays on the floor, coughing, while my parents look for a way out. All of the sudden, Mr. Muggles opens his eyes and I realize he’s alive. I swoop him up into my arms, and I start to cry because he was left alone in such an awful place. He’s old and creaky, but he speaks when I ask him, “What have you been doing down here for all these thousand years?”

“Coloring,” he sighs sadly, his dimming eyes glancing around his prison.

That’s when I woke up completely. Apparently, I shouldn’t have fruit punch before I go to bed.

Yesterday, I was on an express lane and I’d had a whole rash of people who came up, unloading their carts while exclaiming, “Well, gee, I don’t think I have 20 items” or “Wow, it didn’t look like this much in the cart.” I was thinking of the wasted oxygen–I mean, they aren’t not going to go through the express, whether or not they think they have more than the items allotted, so why even bother with the facade?

I started thinking about futility, and all of the sudden a voice in my head goes, “Yeah, that’s like buying condoms after your mistress gets pregnant.”

It’s like, dubyateeeff man. The similie doesn’t even make sense.

Like I was rambling via my DA blog, I am attempting to, well, upgrade. In two major areas: photography, and graphics. I used to be way into graphic design, and I was on the track to be decent… unless I’m just trying to make myself feel better about all the days I spent in front of my computer screens, tweaking pictures, pixel by pixel But seriously, even as a hobby, it’s something I enjoy, even if I haven’t done/been able to do it for awhile. I’m still working with PSP7 and a version of Fireworks so old that it was still owned by Macromedia when I got it. I’m not saying you can’t work well with old tools, I just feel like I’ve gotten what I can out of them, you know? I don’t know, maybe I’m just being lazy.

I’ve been flirting with the idea of buying CS4. But then I found Corel’s version of Creative Suite, and I’m seriously tempted to buy it and try it. Not only is it WAY cheaper than Adobe, I’m already more comfortable with PSP than I am PS. So I don’t know. It doesn’t help that all the reviews I read are seriously biased–they end up devolving into how Adobe products are inherently superior. Personally, (in my admittedly limited experience) I find Adobe to be powerful but backwards in some senses. I just don’t know.

As for my photography… I really want an SLR. I’m not an awesome photographer, and I know having a “better” camera doesn’t make you a better photographer. It’s just, again, I feel like I’m ready to grow, to make a leap. The only problem is this particular leap would be REALLY expensive. Even if I bought second hand lenses from ebay, it’s still going to be horribly expensive. And since I’m not very talented, I keep wondering if maybe it’s just beyond me because the camera’s not destined to love me like I love it

Of course, all of this is “down the line,” since I don’t have the money for any of this. I probably won’t have money for a really long time, since my loans are imminent… *le sigh*

I am so SICK of two way streets that don’t actually go two ways.

I’m tired of residual guilt.

I’m tired of grovelling.

I’m tired of being confined to one freaking box until someone decides they need me to be something else.

I’m tired of talking and seeing my words shoot through someone’s head, unheard.

I’m tired of being angry.

I’m tired of apologizing.

You know what’s funny? I’m not literally sleepy. That’s cosmic irony for you, back to chew on your ass.

I’m also busy with online stuffs. I’m currently working on the relaunch of TTR, and stayed up until five-thirty this morning, tweaking settings and trying to re-write manifestos and whatnot. I’m probably 25% through the whole process. Now that I have Meredith, my online things can resume. My immediate goal is to just get TTR out as soon as possible so I can try to rebuild the people I’ve lost over the last year. After it’s up and running, I am going to try and put my new books to good use and pretty it up. Or, at the very least, make it look not as template-y.

And if all goes well, I’ll be picking up a new recliner and nightstand later today. Not too shabby!

I wish I could afford to move out. I mean, I love my parents, but as long as I live with them, I’m not an adult. Not to sound like some wangsting teen, but I’ll know I’m an adult the day my tattoo is displayed for all the world to see as I ride my cherry red motorcycle home to a flighty feline. And believe me, that makes total sense in my head.

Also, am I completely a bad person for wanting another cat? I mean, I know any cat I got wouldn’t be Sneakers, no matter what the visual similarities. But I like having a warm, furry body that’s always there for me.

I need to be careful, I’m beginning to sound like an old cat lady.

Oh, well.

Not looking forward to tomorrow. Especially since I get these random dizzie bouts.  The only thing getting me through this is the knowledge that Aunt Teresa, Debbie, Kenny and Matthew are only like forty-eight hours away.

Blah. I just feel… blah. Blah-dee-blah blah.

/endsarcasm

On the good side of things, there was no TKD tonight and this morning Dandan and I went up to the Great Escape to see “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.” If I said that the movie was epic on a scale not pertaining to how much Megan Fox jiggles through the action scenes, it still would not do the movie justice. I was impressed. Families beware, there innuendo in this film is less innuendo and more… well, whatever is the opposite of innuendo. And there’s more swearing. But I wasn’t really bothered by any of these things, so. Go see it. It’s worth shelling out $9 to see on the big screen. Unless, of course, you go to the main screen at the Great Escape, a sceen aparently incapable of showing films in widescreen. I’m not going to get into the widescreen/fullscreen debate, I’m just going to leave it at had the movie been in widescreen, I would’ve been able to read all the text at the bottom. Just sayin’.

So I work the next two days, Sunday’s chock full o church activity, and then we’re heading to Arkansas. Probably. We’re still working on the details.

I am still computer-less. MyMacbook is getting all spiffed up as we speak, so I hope to have it back soonish, like in two weeks. Alas, Marvin is dead, so I’ll be getting a stranger back. Hopefully, it will be okay.

I’m getting really, frustrated. I have so much computery-internety things to do… and I can’t do them! I mean, I do have access to the ‘net through my sister’s laptop, but I can’t just take hers over to work on my stuff. It takes a lot of work and screen-time. So I’ve decided to attempt to be efficient and make a list of what must be done once I get my laptop back:

1. TTR. This is a must. I think I’ve lost all my big-draw authors, but there’s not much I can do at this point. I’m hoping that a re-launch will draw back the talented authors. We’ll see.
2. Lunet. I’m paying for the domain and I want to use it.
3. GSN. I think I’ve lost the fanlisting because TFL sucks monkey testicles, but whatever.
4. Cancel FABA. Send Aimee a bill.
5. Revamp Fotg. It’s just… sad right now. In the over-the-top pathetic sort of way.

And I know that no one cares. It’s just harder for me to ignore a list that’s online and viewable by other people. And I have no time to waste once the lappy’s back.